Monday 30 December 2013

Reflections and Resolutions

 So, I suppose it's that time of year again; a time to reflect on the year we have had and to outline the objectives for the next. It is of course the New Year’s Resolution blog post. This will also be the first time I can post this type of blog due to only starting blogging this year. For everyone who has been reading my blog throughout the year I'm sure it is very apparent that I have had a year with a great achievement but also of great sadness. I have simply summed this year up as the best and worst of my life. I achieved my lifetime dream of becoming an Ironman - a truly euphoric moment which then felt insignificant when I discovered the loss of my niece Rosie shortly after crossing the line. However, as tragic as my year has been I do know I have to acknowledge my achievements in 2013. I completed two marathons, the London Marathon for the second time, and the Salisbury Marathon which I completed despite being ill. I also got a PB at Marlow half marathon in 2h03 and managed a 100mile bike in under 6 hours. I also completed numerous sprint and olympic triathlons exceeding my personal bests each time. Furthermore, of course, I particularly have to pay attention to my achievement on the 8th September this year where I completed Ironman Wales in 14h05 (an hour quicker than I anticipated). 

 However, where there's and up, there's always a down. I picked up a knee injury and had my first DNF at the half Ironman in Wimbleball due to a crash but although I was down, being stubborn, I got back up trained with a broken finger and will be back in June 2014 to complete my unfinished business there. It is evident that the hardest and toughest part of 2013 was losing Rose, something I will never be able to get over. I've struggled to get the motivation to train again since losing her and also have a bitter and cynical outlook on life at present. However, I hope that 2014 doesn't just bring new achievements I hope it gives me a new lease of life and a new focus - a sort of cleansing. Now, I'll admit I am normally always the first to dislike the statement 'New Year - New Me' but I am truly getting into that mantra this time no matter how cliché it may sound. I need to get in the best physical state in preparation for Ironman Lanzarote and Ironman Wales. Furthermore, I need to be mentally prepared for all I want to achieve. I know this 'cleansing' may seem like a naive way to look at the New Year. There is no magic wand which will make my feelings and grief disappear just because there is a new year. However, to me it signifies a new slate and if that simple thought helps me mentally kick myself in the butt then that's fine with me and from then on I'll work hard to achieve all I want to in 2014.

 

  So, what has happened in the time since I last wrote? Firstly, I went to my first physiotherapy session for my ITB. There was no nice way for the physio to tell me that the strength in my glutes were appalling which was causing me the pain. He could actually tell this just by looking at my legs but decided to prove it even more by giving me certain exercises to attempt - which were all an embarrassing show of my weakness. However, although we did have a laugh at how weak my glutes were there was stern message to be had about the lack of strength and conditioning I had not included in my training routine. I explained that becoming an Ironman was just something I wanted to do and I trained hard to get there. I have since promised that now my goals are more serious I will include conditioning into my training. My warning explained that if I carried on the way I was going, i.e. in constant pain and running through it, I would not be too far away from being irreversibly in agony as my patella is slowly moving towards the inside of my knee - potentially moving it to rest on the next grove underneath it. I have since thought that the severity of my weak glutes through to my knee could well be the cause of the pain within my left knee including the ligament pain and the sharp pain I got when cycling in Ironman Wales which stopped me being able to use my left leg completely. I walked out pleased that I had some answers as to why I got so much pain when running (I think I was also secretly relieved there was something evidently wrong). Furthermore, I am so happy that it can be fixed before any serious damage is done. More importantly, I was filled with the knowledge and positivity that if I train well according to a proper conditioned programme and do my exercises I will definitely become a faster runner and even more importantly will be doing so pain free. I was ecstatic walking out but I did however have one pressing question. What about all my events and most importantly Ironman Lanzarote? Would he recommend I not compete? My next event was a 10 mile run on the 29th December and then starting on the 8th of February where I have my first event of 2014 (a coastal Devon marathon) I am full of endurance events until May. I was told not to do the 10 miler in December but assured that if I keep up with the exercises I would be OK for February's marathon. That was a deal I took so I cancelled the 10 miler and doing my exercises on a regular basis. I'm finally on the road to recovery!

 

  The second thing that happened since my last blog is the emails I have received. After my last blog which explained the worries over Becky Hoare, the Kona qualifying athlete who is in my age group in Lanzarote, I got an email from her. It was a tough email to read but also a nice one. Becky made it aware that she was going for a Kona slot again and had as athletes do been sniffing me out as much as I had her. She explained her own story and reasons for wanting to get to Kona again which was good to hear. We both have completely different reasons for aspiring to qualify but that doesn't make either of our quests more worthwhile. We have both had to overcome certain obstacles and make sacrifices. We have since exchanged a few emails and have even arranged to go on a training ride in the week before the Ironman in May. We may be 'rivals' in the Ironman World but that doesn't mean there should be any hostility. We both have the same goals and passion and that to me should be shared.

  I also received an email from the Director of Communications for Ironman Europe, Stefan Jäger. He wrote, "I've been with IRONMAN for more than two years and heard thousands of stories. Yours just brought tears to my eyes. All the best, I'll see you at the finish line." I have to say that this email, as small a gesture it was, brought tears to my eyes. To hear this from the organisers of an event which is my passion was a lovely thing to hear. Thank you both Becky and Stefan for your emails.

 

  Obviously, the third thing which has happened is Christmas. I never expected this year to be easy, far from that but I found it tougher than I thought. This time of year reminded of the childhood memories I had with Rose at Christmas. On many occasions Rosie and the family would sleep over and we would have Christmas at mums. After putting out Santa's mince pie, brandy and a carrot we would sing Jingle Bells up the stairs (a tradition that stands today) and then share a bed. We would stay up until the early hours giggling and saying how excited we were and no matter how hard we tried we could not sleep. We would tell stories and try and guess what Santa had brought us. When we finally nodded off we would then wake up every hour asking if it was time to get up yet and again and again would be told to back to bed "for another hour". When we were eventually allowed downstairs we were of course insanely spoilt by our family and spent the rest of the morning playing with our presents until Joyce (my nan) came with more in a huge stocking. These are some of the best moments of my life which I cherish so much now - the childhood Rosie and I had together was truly special.

 Furthermore, this year I missed my sister, brother-in-law, nieces and nephew terribly whilst they were away skiing. Them not being there made it even more evident of the loss we suffered this year. This does not mean I did not enjoy Christmas - far from that - it was lovely to spend Christmas Eve and the morning of Christmas Day with my parents, brother, sister-in-law and youngest niece but we all missed Emma and the kids, and of course were all thinking of Rosie. As I was working a night shift on Christmas Day we were all having our Christmas dinner and drinks on Christmas Eve. I had copious amounts of champagne and even made a trip to the village pub where I had a good chat with one of Rosie's good friends, Max. I then decided much to everyone's disbelief that I wanted to go to Midnight Mass - a tradition I love to do. I normally always go there after a drink and I enjoy singing the carols at my village church - I always say jokingly it is my one time of the year I go to repent of all my sins throughout the year. My mum despite sometimes joining me at Midnight Mass on occasions said she could not face it, and no-one else fancied it so I went alone. It was not long into the service that I began to get emotional. I believe it was during the prayers, one in particular that prayed for all those who could not be there this Christmas time. I thought of Rose not being with us, I thought of Dan's mum who lost her mother recently, I thought of my friend Gill from the Tri Club who lost her husband this year, I thought of my work colleagues who have recently lost their fathers, I thought of a family friend who lost their brother and I thought of all those who have lost their lives in Afghanistan. I also thought about people whose Christmas may be changed forever due to a tragedy. With all the tragedy I have witnessed in 2013 I knew that what I previously thought didn't happen very often, does, and I prayed for them too. I was tearful throughout the service but began breaking down when getting communion and when on the walk back lowered my face so no-one would see me. That tactic can't have worked as during the last carol, Sandra, a very close family friend came over stood with me, hugged me and calmed my sobs. After the service I sat for a while - I couldn't say anything, even if I had wanted to, but just thanked Sandra for coming over. On the walk back I stopped, sat on a wall and stared at the clear sky full of stars. I had never seen the stars so bright and the sky so clear - it was memorising. I found a star I thought to be Rose which gave me comfort. I could've stayed there, the cold was not affecting me (that could've been an alcohol blanket though) and I felt transfixed by the beautiful sky. When I decided to walk on I felt like the stars and sky were watching me get home. Although I had let out many tears and was exhausted when I went to bed I could not sleep, I continued to cry until my eyes felt puffy and sore. I text a work colleague and friend who I knew was on a night shift and he continued to reply with some lovely and comforting words - I can't thank you enough. I must've got a maximum combined sleep of 3hours that night. Despite the pain going to Midnight Mass caused me I do not regret going as there were a lot of built up emotions that finally found their way out.




 I managed to get through my Christmas and Boxing Day night shifts with no issues and was glad to see the back of nights for another month (I felt like I had been on them for ages). So now it is the day before New Year’s Eve and my first plan to kick start 2014 into an achieving one is to get a coach. It has become very apparent to me that although I can assess myself I cannot qualify to Kona alone. I do not have the skills, knowledge and time to get faster alone. (I only say time because of the preparation a proper training plan takes). Ironman is getting more popular and I need to get much faster. Whereas a few years, maybe even a year ago, I could've qualified with my timings that does not make it possible now due to the increased competition. My goal is so big I believe it sometimes makes it too daunting - I need someone to motivate me even more than I can do myself and given my time frame for success need quick results. I also know that Becky Hoare has a coach and had done to get to Kona. Furthermore, Twitter friend Amy Kilpin does too. In fact as I mentioned in a previous blog she has the coach I am interested in teaming up with. Rick Kiddle is based just down the road from me in High Wycombe so is perfectly located (I have written about him and his attributes in blog post 'Down but not out' on the

8th December).

 So, back to the imminent arrival of 2014. I do not have a proper list of New Year’s resolutions as more often than not they are unachievable and vastly unmaintainable. I would love to write qualify for Kona but also know that this may not necessarily happen in 2014 but that does not mean I am not going to give it my very best. Overall I hope I grow and develop as a person and as an experienced triathlete and Ironman. Furthermore, although I am also not going to write down the generic 'lose weight' I hope this naturally happens anyway given the increase in focussed training I shall be doing. So my black and white resolutions are; lose weight and get to Kona but in realistic terms I want to be in the best shape I can be physically and mentally for all my events and all I want to achieve in 2014. A final resolution I want to live upto is a statement I read out in Rosie's tribute; live everyday as if it is your last. On top of that to never go a day without telling my loved ones how much they mean to me. If 2013 has taught me anything it is that life is too short and very fragile, much more so than I previously believed. Enjoy life while you are here and make your imprint on the world as great and as passionate as you can.

 

 Well, there is really no more to say now than Happy New Year everyone - I truly wish you all achieve everything you want to and no matter what can look at your successes in 2013. For my own personal reasons, I say good riddance to it and hope and pray that 2014 will be a good one. Thank you all for reading over the last year and I'll be back in 2014. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Sunday 8 December 2013

Down but not out

 Apologies for the slack blog update, I'll make it my New Year's Resolution to try and get my act together. Although it has been shocking 3 weeks since I wrote on here, I am unsure what has really happened. I'm sure once I get started I'll find stuff to say so here goes... 
 
 Despite my positive outlook and motivation on my last post I have still been struggling emotionally with the loss of Rosie. Although I am not drinking as much as I was to numb the pain I have had a few times in the last month where I have felt the need to have a drink. Most notably if Dan was out at night I would without fail have a bottle of wine to myself. I just cannot stand being alone.
 I mentioned in my previous update that I was going to Nottingham on the 14th November for a memorial service Rosie's university friends had organised. I managed to shift some of my night shifts so I was able to be with my sister for a few days as well. So after waking up after a 7 day night stint I drove down to my parents house (with my puppy Larry of course). I had a nice dinner with Emma, Des and the kids and then I went to my parents to sleep before going to Nottingham the day after. Amber, 13, had decided to come and stay with me too which was lovely. When I got in I sorted the post out and found one for myself. Upon opening it I found a letter and medal from Nicola, a woman I have mentioned before. I met her whilst training in Tenby earlier this year and became an Ironman herself in her hometown of Tenby last year. She was so welcoming; taking me on a recce of the run route and inviting me to join a sea swim. The medal she had sent me is another to add to my collection on the wall (see picture).
'Tenby Aces' is the cycling club she is a part of and as the recent Ironmen were getting these personalised medals made she decided to get me one. In her letter she also made me an honourary member of the Tenby Aces. It is these little acts of kindness that gives me some reassurance that the world is a nice place. I sat on the floor by the door (where I opened the envelope) and cried holding the medal close to me. Thank you so much again Nicola, it may be something small, but it means so much to me. I shall definitely try and arrange a visit to join you and the Tenby Aces on a ride.
 I was up late that night and then awoke early. The night before I had promised to go on a bike ride with my nephew, Tom, on his new road bike and my brother in law, Des before we left for Nottingham and we did a 45 minute ride around the area. Although Tom had his first crash as he got his laces caught in the cassette it was a great ride- chasing one another and prentending to be Wiggins, Frome and Cavendish. I later told Tom that every cyclist has to have an intiation fall and that it now meant he was a proper road cyclist. Memories like this are the ones you cherish. 
 
 After getting ready we left for Nottingham, of course later than planned, and were almost instantly greeted with standstill traffic on the A34 because of a lorry fire. Moods were high up until we began approaching Nottingham. Everything began to slot into place as to why we were there. Everyone began revealing memories of places they had been with Rose. I however found this tough. I had promised Rosie I would go up and see her in Nottingham - we would go out together and obviously get embarrasingly drunk. I had never found the time to do this as I thought I would have plenty of time to do so. Guilt, the one emotion I hadn't encounteered yet, began to make an appearance. I sat quietly to myself with tears rolling down my face. When we arrived in the centre of Nottingham we dropped my sister and the kids off as Emma decided she didn't want to see the halls where Rosie lived (we were parking on the same road). I however wanted to see where she had been so keen for me to go. As Des and Ryan (Rosie's boyfriend) showed me her old flat I took a step back and broke down. The guilt I felt and the unfairness of what we were doing just seemed to explode inside me. The strength I had spoken about in my previous blog had failed me now. Although I hadn't planned to I decided to have some wine when we got to a bar, however, I couldn't stomach any food. Two large red wines later and I felt calmer. We met with the friends who had arranged the memorial and then headed off to where it was being held at the university. Emma and I walked hand in hand and both agreed it was evident to see why Rosie was so happy here. Nottingham is a lovely city and I begrudge myself and regret not going there sooner. I will be back in July 2014 to compete in the Outlaw (an Ironman distance triathlon). I am sure that will be a weekend with filled with emotion. 
 
 Rosie's university memorial was truly beautiful and there was not a dry eye in the whole room. It is testament to her personality how loved she was, and still is, and how much she will be missed. In the short space of a year whilst she was at university she made such a positive impact on other peoples lives. I would be honoured if I was loved as much as she is, and although I begrudge the world for taking Rosie too soon she was happy in every aspect of her life and that is so comforting for me and my family. Whilst there we were all given pink heart tags to write on which we could then tie up anywhere in Nottingham or within the university. This was to share a message that reminded us of Rosie, or to tell others what we have learnt from her passing. I tied mine to the University gates (fitting I thought as I was told Rosie would run through them when late for a lecture - which I can imagine was often). I wrote on mine "It's never too old to play with Barbies" which referred to Rose and I as children. I played with Barbies and the like probably much older than I should've done because I wanted to play with Rosie who was of the age being three years younger. This is one thing I will never regret - there is no rush to grow up if you love who you are being young with. These memories of my childhood are the ones that give me the most comfort but also the most pain. I will however remember them forever. 
 We had, another, drink at the brand new student union which we all agreed Rosie would've been in her element in and then began the 2 hour journey home. We all reflected on how thankful we were to the two girls who arranged the memorial. Although I will never really be able to say goodbye it was a lovely thing for them to do to celebrate her life.


 Now I'll get back to Ironman. I have still been unable to run due to my ongoing knee injury but did continue training by going spinning and swimming. Admittedly it is nowhere near the volume which I want and need to be training due to my mind being elsewhere, but that will come. Having said that, this week I have began stepping it up again. Eating better, spinning on a regular basis, and going on my first run in over a month. I had my last prolotherapy injection on Wednesday so hopefully the ligament damage on the inside of my knee starts to feel better when running. As for my ITB problem I am still waiting to see the physio but have been doing some foam roller work on it. 
 In the weeks before I stepped up the actual training I was getting involved in some forums on runnersworld, mainly where 'pirates' (the group of triathletes I have mentioned previously) communicate by sharing words of wisdom or pose questions which normally ends up in some sort of jokey banter. One question I posed came under some criticism and debate. I merely asked if anyone else was crazy enough to be doing Ironman Lanzarote and Wales next year for a social aspect. I also added in I had planned to do Outlaw as well as I had booked this before any future Kona aspirations or the other events were made. Some picked up on the price of all doing three which angered me as that was really nothing to do with it and rather than pick up on me being socialable it turned out being a query as to whether I should be doing the Outlaw at all. There was also a mini argument between some which was completely irrelevant started by a seemingly rude writer. Not the best first forum experience to have but was assured it doesn't happen often - usually, as I expected, it really is lighthearted banter. I didn't really get an answer to what I wanted to be answered, however with that said I did get some good advice and support from the people once I explained why I was doing what I was doing. The majority, if not all, believe I should not do Outlaw given my goal and the closeness it is to Ironman Wales (7 weeks). Some even suggested changing to a relay as opposed to doing it solo. However, although these sound like valid ideas I have a strong emotional attachment to doing the Outlaw solo. As I mentioned earlier it is in Nottingham where Rosie went to university which speaks for itself. Furthermore I made a promise in the church during Rosie's tribute that I would be doing the Outlaw. This was also infront of her university friends who I asked for support as they would all know I would be doing it for Rose. So, I want to do it for my own personal reasons. Despite some of the against Outlaw remarks I was reassured as I was told others have done and succeeded in both, obviously it's a given that they may not have had my goal but I will give all of them everything I have got regardless. Furthermore, I am aware that 3 Ironman's in one year is a lot of stress on the body but it was also noted that I am young so therefore my recovery will be quicker. Finally, a previous tweet I received pointed out I have what many do not, a reason and need to succeed. 
 As well as talking about the quandry over participating in Outlaw I was also notified that Becky Hoare, a successful Ironman who qualified and finished Kona this year is now competing in Ironman Lanzarote, in my age group. I had heard of her as she is local to my parents and is from Salisbury where I went to school. As well as that she follows me on Twitter - so may well read this and will most likely know my story and goals. (She could well be sniffing me out as I am her? It as a competiton afterall). It would be therefore stupid to think Becky is not going for another Kona slot. I felt as if I had been punched, hard. I had begun to assess my competiton before as I wrote about in 'If your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough' on the 20th October, but Becky was not on the start line then. The conclusion I came to then was that all I can do is my best, however I was still ever hopeful. Becky Hoare however is another level, qualifying for Kona in Wales in 11h41and completing Kona in 10h31 (coming 7th in her age group). I felt sick, scared and upset. I was mostly upset as I didn't want to let anyone down - particularly my parents who had put so much into coming and arranging it as a holiday. I told them both that it may not be my time and they questioned whether I still wanted to go for it. I would've loved to have said no and find another with less competition but I cannot avoid her and even if I did wherever I go there will be another threat (I also don't consider myself a woos or coward). My mum also said. "You could never let me down" which made my heart glow.
 As Ironman is becoming more popular it gets more competitive. As well as that getting to the World Championships was never going to be easy - I'm racing world champions after all! I am deflated but it Has to be said that there are more chances - Ironman is a global event with some American events not being as popular. Maybe with the popularity of Ironman people are being drawn to the most feared ie. Wales and Lanzarote (like me) and want to tick them off for challenges sake.
 On that note, Wales has already sold out which is a record for them. I got my Wales entry in June this year and I still believe there were places in August until the had to close registration for organisational reasons! This boost in Ironman is great as it means others are taking the leap to achieve what can only be described as the proudest moment of my life. I have to ask though, I wonder how many of them know what they're getting into? Would be interesting to see how many finish. I'm not meaning to be synical but being in and amongst forums now it is amazing to hear some of the things people consider enough training to do an Ironman.
 I just want to finish off by saying to Becky Hoare, sorry to have researched you so much - I'm sure you're doing the same and please go easy on me in Lanzarote! I'll be trying my hardest too!
 
 Two final things that I want to mention is my idea to possibly get a coach. I believe that given my competition, goals and emotional state, it would be a great way to get some focussed and professional advice. Although as I have said a lot, I wasn't too keen on coaching and believed I can assess myself and didn't need one I think given my mental state it would help. Moreover, although I can assess myself I don't know much on how to get faster, just running more distance is not enough - I need structured and focussed fartlek sessions. When it comes to swimming, although the Tri Club is great for swim base training, a coach will be able to properly breakdown my swim technique and make the minor adjustments which can make a big difference, maybe even sub 1hour?! This 1-on-1 training will also be invaluable for the bike as well. I had began looking into this before but struggled to find anyone close to where I live. However, I recently read a blog by a Twitter friend, Amy Kilpin, who also became an Ironman in 2013 in Bolton. She has been sponsored and now on the road to go pro. She is also a member of Chiltern Tri and I read in her blog she had changed coach to one in High Wycombe, Rick Kiddle, who is 10 minutes from me. He has a wealth of experience being one of the first triathletes in Britain and went on to win at the British Championships, representing GB on many occassions. He then decided to go into coaching and now has many Wattbike's (my new favourtie training toy) and an endless pool (where you swim against the current - perfect for perfecting stroke technique). So that's definitely an exciting and motivational consideration and something to think about for the New Year - financing it however may be the restriction.
 Finally, I have decided to get a custom tri-suit made. This would have the pirate triathlete skull and cross bones on the front but most importantly have a Pink Rose on the back and 'For Rosie' and '#Hollie4Kona' written on various places around the suit. I am also in the process of trying to find some sponsors which of course would mean they would be on there too. Furthermore, the sales director of the company who makes the kit, VO2 Sportswear, read my story in 220 Triathlon magazine and has offered 50% off to help with my sponsorship. Again, these acts of kindness gives me some faith in the world.
 
 I'm most certainly down about particular  things out of my control, but I am not out...  
 
  

Tuesday 12 November 2013

Family bonds

  With my promise to begin training again properly after my night shifts on Wednesday I just want to polish up and get completely up to date on my blog especially as the quiet night shifts are the easiest time to do a blog as well as a great way to pass the time! When I train and work 12 hour day shifts blogging sometimes goes on the back burner. So please excuse me if this update seems rather disjointed as it really is just tying everything up that is notable enough to be mentioned before the next one.

  Firstly I couldn't believe it yesterday when I came to the realisation I had not mentioned on my blog earlier that I am in fact going to Lanzarote for a training week in March. I wrote in my 'If your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough' entry on the 20th October that from what I have read from and been told a training camp especially in Lanzarote, where I would be competing, would be an invaluable experience. I was becoming increasingly worried about the heat during Ironman Lanzarote and although I have the week before the event to acclimatise I really wanted to get an idea of how I would fair. Going abroad to a training camp solo gets expensive however as you have to have single room as opposed to shared accommodation (many come as a big group). As well as that even when looking at the dates there were scheduled training camps abroad I was struggling to work the dates given my lack of holiday allowance left (I had already booked the dates I need off for events until July 2014 when my holiday renews). So, with all this in mind I had put the idea of going to a training camp aside regardless of how beneficial I believed I would find it. It was however after swimming with the Tri Club that it made it a necessity for me. Some of the members hang around after training to have a chin wag (obviously all about triathlon) and this ultimately led on to talking about me doing Lanzarote. I knew that the club did a group Lanzarote training week in March and it was as Adrian (an Ironman obsessive) that began talking about the brutal winds he was faced with during their trip earlier in the year. He said that the cross winds were so bad that when on the flats he had to lean in the other direction in order to stay upright. I always knew that the islands winds are another element that made Lanzarote the feared Ironman it is. Hearing how concerned Adrian was when recalling this memory and given he is a very experienced Ironman was worrying to me. I can do well on the bike but it is the discipline I lack the most confidence in so after hearing this I really wanted to test out the steep volcanic downhills and fierce winds. I drove back home rather concerned.
Club La Santa and its vast sports facilites
  It was the next day at work that I thought of a plan. My Dad and I have been going on a 'Dad and Daughter trip' since I was three, never missing a year since. This started off when I was a child as a camping trip with a group of friends and has since developed into our own personal trip. When my Dad could no longer sleep on a camp bed due to his back and hip we began going to more adventurous places with proper beds. We began going places that were of particular interest i.e. places that we always wanted to go to or places that held attractions we wanted to learn from etc. For example we went to Oslo one year as I was doing my A-level art project on Edvard Munch ('The Scream' artist). We spent the whole time there retracing Munch's footsteps, walking around the city finding his museum, his old homes as well as his grave. I remember trip with great pleasure. Munch will continue to be my favourite artist not just for his notoriety for 'The Scream' but for many other reasons such as his personal life and his other work as well. However, more than that I fondly remember spending this time with my Dad - as I do all of our trips away together. This year as I have written about previously in my blog we went to Tenby together before the Ironman to do a recce of the course. I cannot express how beneficial this was to me as I mention in '19 days and counting - a long awaited update' on the 20th August. So with this in mind I posed the question to my Dad, "Dad and Daughter trip to Lanzarote to do a recce in March?". By the end of the day we had a week booked in Lanzarote staying at the well known sports training resort 'Club La Santa'. It is particularly popular with triathletes as it has a 50m pool and has scheduled training runs, rides, events and much more every day. I am not booked in to an actual scheduled training camp but as the resort includes all the sporting facilities and sessions I can do however many sessions I fancy as well as spend time with my Dad. I have already thought of what I want to do out there and will make this more solid nearer the time:

  1. Drive the whole cycle route and then either complete the toughest sections or arrange to do the whole thing
  2. Get some personal cycle coaching on the route - particularly downhill technique
  3. Run varying distances around the area at different times of the day to get an idea of the climate and how I cope
  4. Many arranged swim sessions in the 50m pool
  5. Arrange a day to go to the swim start and swim in the sea (also make a day of this on the beach with Dad)
  6. Do a recce of the golf course in preparation for Mum, Dad and their friends who are coming to support me, Peter and Bridget, all of whom who will spend much of the week prior to the Ironman playing golf together. Although I am rubbish at golf and find it a very frustrating sport it's a great way of spending more quality time with my Dad
  7. Enjoy time with my Dad

Just writing about this is getting me so excited. I cannot wait to do some serious focused training in a new environment, get some sun but most importantly spend time with my Dad. With my love of Ironman and as I am currently chasing a Kona slot I wonder where else these special trips with my Dad will take us? Possibly the start of a new Dad and Daughter tradition - what do you think Dad?

  My love for Ironman also must be addictive as I have made my first real convert. Dan and I went to a Halloween party on the Friday 1st November. (The photos of me as Catwoman and Dan as The Hulk are on show). Whilst at the party someone pointed out I was an Ironman (I'm sure Dan rolled his eyes when he heard this as he knows that it starts a conversation I love to continue. Not that Dan could talk that night as he relished being quizzed by Mario and Luigi about muscle gain and weights all night. He was a personal trainer dressed as The Hulk - what did he expect?). Anyway, the person who continued talking to me about Ironman was my future 'victim'. He has competed in an Olympic triathlon before and always had a dream of becoming and Ironman as I did. I explained he has an age to train for an Ironman with an Olympic already behind his back. Although I felt his attitude towards becoming an Ironman needed to change (wanting to be one of the fastest) since that night he has been to a swim session with Chiltern Tri and his entry to Ironman Wales is imminent. He is certainly heading in the right direction to become one.


  Another thing I have to mention I have been featured in '220 Triathlon' magazine, a magazine I subscribe to. There is a section in the magazine which includes readers letters about all things triathlon, (of course). I sent my story to them and when my magazine arrived in the post, sure enough as I was told my letter was in there as well as a picture of me. Despite not being the most flattering of pictures I was pleased it had been included. As many other triathlon lovers read the new addition of the magazine I began getting more recognition and support on Twitter. One who I am already following said, "Moved again reading about the tragic loss of Rosie in Tri 220 mag! You get training girl we're all behind you #Hollie4Kona". Another who had stumbled upon it wrote, "Saw your letter in 220 Triathlon magazine. I really hope you smash the course up in 2014 and make it to Kona!". I thanked him and he replied again, "I'm onboard for this journey now. YOU CAN DO IT!". Thank you all - I believe and know that one day I will make it!



  So, to finish I'll my explaining what I am doing when these dreaded night shifts are over…for another month. After I have recovered from my final night shift I am going back to my parents house for three days. I did a shift swap in order to make it down for these days - hence why I have done so many night shifts in a row (even though I do prefer doing them all at once). The main reason I am going back is so I can attend Rosie's memorial in Nottingham which has been arranged by two of her university friends. Hopefully the new found strength I mentioned in my previous blog will stay with me that day. Despite this being the main reason I am travelling back I am actually looking forward to being back in the village. Although my parents aren't going to be there as they are on a well deserved holiday in Portugal I can spend some time at my parents, see my sister, brother in law, brother, sister in law, nieces (Amber, Phoebe, Lexi) and nephew (Tom). Being a girl I naturally get along with my nieces and have always had a special bond with Amber because of our ages. When I was a teenager I used to love going with Amber and Rose to Basingstoke. We would shop, go to the cinema and eat pizza. As I got older I used to love taking Amber out myself, acting grown up and treating her to all these things. I was always so proud to show her off and loved it when many people commented on how alike we looked. Many people in my family always commented on how alike we are in personality and talent as well. She has since grown into a beautiful young teenager who is a head turner, strong willed, caring and very intelligent. Even at my age I am using the statement, "She has grown up so fast". Phoebe, 4, is Emma's youngest and full of life, personality and absolutely gorgeous. She will too grow into a stunner. My youngest niece is Lexi, 2, my brothers daughter. Her little smile is infectious and with her blue eyes and blonde hair will definitely attract the boys when she's older (not that my brother would allow it). The love I have for my young nieces is unconditional and our bond is only just starting to develop. In amongst all these beautiful girls there is Podge (Tom), my nephew. I am also Tom's godmother (as well as Phoebe's). I think with all the women in the family Tom naturally fled to my brother Brett, and vice versa. They are both fierce 'Loyal Royals', Reading football fans, and every week since Tom was little they have watched them play together. This has built up a very strong bond between them and the similarities in their personality and appearance means it is not surprising that 'mini Brett' is another, of the many, nicknames we have for Tom. Being the only boy however, Tom gets a lot of attention from the women in the family. I always bully him for a kiss and he is such a mummy's boy he once promised he would marry Emma and never leave home. The reason why I mention Tom so much is because recently he told me he wants to get into triathlon after seeing what I have done. Since then he has been treated to an early christmas present; a Giant road bike. I am taking my bike down with me for the coming days and am so looking forward to going out with him. It will be quality time I don't always get with my beautiful nephew and godson. Amber has also mentioned she has aspirations to get into triathlon as well, so when she gets her road bike in January for her birthday, I'll be there showing her the ropes. Maybe Phoebe and Lexi will follow too? :).
  I read a statement about aunts the other day that I want to finish on as every word is true. It is what I felt for Rosie throughout her life and is something I continue to strive for for Amber, Tom, Phoebe and Lexi. I only hope they all know that this is the case. If they agree, at any age, with just one sentence in this statement then I am honoured and know I have done something right; "Only Aunts can love you like a mother, keep secrets like a sister, behave like a true friend, and kick your butt if you need it!". I love you all.



Monday 11 November 2013

Train the mind and the rest will follow

  It has been a week since my PB at the Marlow half marathon. Again, I apologise for the lateness of this update but I have suffered from a lack of morale despite my success last Sunday. My low mood had affected my training and I can honestly say I hadn't really trained for this event. I was rather arrogantly banking on my previous attained fitness just coming back to me. My mentality was, 'It's only a half marathon', as in comparison to what I have completed it is a minor distance. This sounds like an arrogant statement and I'll admit it was a cocky and bad attitude to have. However, despite this I was still chasing a PB - I wanted 2 hours (my PB stood at 2h10 at Bath in March).
  My parents came over the day before the event and we all managed to squeeze into my flat. It was great to see them as I have missed them a lot recently. I don't know whether it is with age, the tragic circumstance we are in, or a combination of the two, but I am appreciating them more, not just for everything they do for me as that is always evident but for them as individuals. I feel closer to them than I ever have and I want this closeness to stay.
  With an event the following day I stayed sober and Dan followed suit as he was on call with the fire service. My parents however had a drink and as the weather had dramatically dropped that weekend sitting having a glass of wine in the warmth always goes down well (I did secretly wish I could join them). I know my mum had been having a bad week dealing with the loss of Rosie, much like me, and began to get upset. As an avid reader of my blog I just want to apologise Mum for not being able to comfort you any better. I didn't know what was best to do and know that I would just start crying myself, as I did when I did try to talk. I think a daughter, or any child, has strong protection over their mother and I didn't want to see her cry even if talking about Rose and the good times may have helped. I'm sorry, I wish I could have been more help Mum - I love you to the end of the numbers.

  After a rather uncomfortable and restless nights sleep on our air bed (my parents had our bed

Smile much? Me at the start of Marlow Half
 as my Dad has recently had a hip replacement) it was time to go try and get a PB. I didn't have my usual pre-race enthusiasm that day and just wanted it to be over and done with. I said to my mum whilst eating my porridge, "It's only 2hours and I'll be home" which she laughed off. The plan was for my parents to see me cross the start line but they had a lunch party to get to and to avoid being a rush I just said I would go alone. Although I have gone to many events solo and wasn't particularly worried about the half marathon I wanted someone with me that morning. Dan managed to book off work so I had company in Dan and Larry (my pug) that morning. Parking was surprisingly painless and despite thinking I was going to be late I registered with no problems and had time to spare. At 9.30am the race started. I was very conservative as to where I placed myself amongst the crowd as although I can normally assess a good swimmer as I am from that background, I struggle to do the same with runners. From the moment the gun went off I was overtaking people and this wasn't me getting carried away in race pace conditions. I had naively assumed that the route would be fairly easy - how wrong could I have been! This was by far the hardest half marathon I have done, and easily one of the toughest run courses (even Wales wasn't that bad). Once I had deciphered it was going to be a tough race I decided on a strategy (one that I began using successfully midway through Wales). Just don't stop slogging up and boot it down. Running fast downhill is as much a confidence thing as it is on the bike (something I lack) and Dan had told me a very easy way to get the technique right; open your legs. So when running downhill I was focused and concentrated at the task in hand and I constantly had Dan's voice repeating open your legs at me (if you have taken that wrong it's your own dirty minds!). It didn't take long until I began to get a reputation for going fast downhill. After about the fourth major down (always followed by a brutal up), of which there were too many to count, a woman said to me "bloody hell, your so fast on the downs, this is the third time you've passed me". Now this can be taken positively, but also negatively as it means on the ups she was overtaking me. I pointed this out to her and then said, "downhill is free speed!". She tried to keep up with me until she backed off as the hill got increasingly steep and we wished one another good luck. She didn't overtake me going up after that. Another comment I overheard was sparked off from my t-shirt (of course I was wearing my Ironman finishers top). A fellow runner was asked another, "Would you ever do a triathlon?", I looked around and made a little smile of acknowledgement. His response was "No, I don't think I could do the swim" to which I swivelled around again and said proudly, "Never say never!" before darting off. I heard him mumble something about Ironman being mental or the people who do them are - either way I had a smile on my face, another bit of recognition for my achievement.
  Surprisingly given that my knee normally begins playing up when going downhill it was during an uphill around the two mile mark that my recurring knee injury started. It was so bad by mile three I seriously questioned how I would be able to complete with the agonising pain I was in. The pain didn't get any better but I managed to control it. I thought about Rose a lot, bringing myself to the brink of tears with sadness and pain but I managed to get my mind to push through the pain, "It's all in the head" I kept repeating to try and reassure myself. As well as that my Kinesio tape I had applied in preparation, which worked so well in Wales, began peeling off early on in the race and I had to stop a couple of times, much to my annoyance, to try and fix it. I tried many methods but it didn't re-stick. By mile ten I had a piece of the Kinesio tape knotted tight around my knee. It restricted my movement a little and dug into my skin and joint but that was less painful than feeling the actual pain of my injury. The last five miles consisted of many more tough hills and despite getting some great time splits on the flat I was in agony on the ups. I saw my dream of a 2 hour finish slip away as I slogged up a long and brutal hill and estimated a new time of 2h03 which changed my focus. When I finally reached the top of the last hill I was overjoyed when the volunteers weren't lying when they told me the final mile was all downhill (despite the pain this mile was naturally my fastest time spilt). I was absolutely over the moon when I crossed the line in 2h03 for two reasons; 1). the pain was over and 2). I got a PB. It wasn't the 2hours I had been chasing but I hadn't been in a good mental attitude on the lead up to train properly, had struggled and stopped for my knee and the course was much tougher than I expected. Considering that my previous PB of 2h10 was on a completely flat course I was pretty chuffed with my eventual result. (It made me wonder if I tried Bath again what time I would get - sub 2hour?). I may never win a running race but I pushed myself physically and mentally that day even if it was 'just a half marathon'. It showed me that if you train your mind to have the will to push on, your legs will naturally follow. Furthermore, it also reiterated again that no matter how big a distance you have previously completed, each event should be as hard as the other as for the shorter events you push more and in endurance you try to conserve energy. My next shot at the half marathon distance is on March 2nd at Reading where my sister and possibly my mum will also be competing (come on Mum!). I will be going for a sub 2hour that day and I need to get it considering my hopeful marathon time.
  We were home by 12.15, probably earlier than some people were waking up after a rough Saturday night - I always get some pride in that thought. I had a bath and my first lazy Sunday in ages - bliss!    

  Despite the lovely chill out day, instantly after crossing the line and re-grouping with Dan and Larry in Marlow my knee had seized up and I was hobbling. The pain, hobbling and side walking downstairs continued for days until I saw my sports injury specialist for the second time in one week when he injected some cortisone (steroid) where my pain was. Before that though I went into London on the Monday to see my sports doctor. This had been booked in before the half marathon and mentioned it in my previous blog post. When I saw him my left knee had ballooned. Swelling was something I hadn't really encountered on my knee so this came as a shock to me. After more prodding I was, as I thought, referred to get an MRI and X-Ray which I booked in for Wednesday.

The swelling of my knee if you can't tell it's the one on the right



This is what winter is for!
  Whilst in London on Monday after my hospital trip I had planned to meet up with my good friend Yuliya. I got away from London Bridge Hospital earlier than I had expected and had planned to do some window shopping on my own until Yuliya finished work but instead I got a hot chocolate from Costa, got comfy in the cushy surroundings and managed to finally finish Dean Karnazes' book 'Run!'. You guessed it, yet again I cannot stop myself, I have to include one of his statements. Up until this point I never considered myself a runner, even after all my events; three half marathons, four full marathons and god knows how many miles racked up in triathlons and training. However, Dean's closing statement made me realise maybe deep down there is a runner in me as everything in this statement applies to what I feel, "We runners are a unique breed. We like chasing dreams…Our ultimate challenge is not to arrive at the finish line in a composed state, but rather to stagger in breathlessly, totally annihilated and on the verge of collapse, proudly knowing in our hearts we have ran our race, and it was glorious. Whether you end up with a medal being placed around your neck or an IV line being placed into your arm, (not uncommon in Ironman) the inner bliss is the same. You have waged your war and emerged victorious. You are content. If you are to never take another step, you will forever remain satisfied. The job is done. That is, until the next one. Yeah, every runner knows that feeling". We most definitely do - the finish line euphoria is addictive and why this blog still exists!
  Anyway, back to sitting in Costa dunking marshmallows into hot chocolate in London. Yuliya met me around 5pm and we then headed off to 'All Bar One' for dinner and drinks. Five hours, five food platters, two cocktails, three bottles of prosecco and many drunken tears of laughter and sadness later I was on the train home. (We also decided that night she should come to Lanzarote to support me and she has since booked her tickets!). Yuliya, you are a friend to cherish for life and I thank you for listening, guiding and laughing with me about Rose, all things Ironman and life. I did try and make her promise she will one day do an Ironman with me, but she wasn't that drunk or stupid (she did go to Cambridge)…but there's always next time :). It was amazing to see her and I felt so content and lucky to have such a great friend. As I was sat on the train home, albeit rather inebriated, it made me realise life does continue even after tragedy. I have an amazing family, boyfriend, friends and life. I am still angry and look at the world with an air of complete unfairness but as my sister perfectly put, "life is all about adapting now". I have always been a deep thinker and Rosie's death has made this stronger but I know she was at her happiest and don't want to be down for her. I've been told many times, "She wouldn't want you to be sad" and I am finally starting to actually believe it. We will all never ever forget our beautiful Rose and there will be many times when I will crumble in despair at our loss, but there are ways to deal with the grief and for me that is not drinking in excess as I have been recently in an attempt to forget what has happened. In the long run this actually makes me feel worse as I then get low about my appearance and body (my weight loss being something I have worked hard to achieve). The short term help that alcohol brings does not last - yes it helps me to forget and numbs my thinking but ultimately it helps nothing and no-one. I may have drunk a lot more before but it's not me now - when I decided to become an Ironman I made a sacrifice and cutting my drinking down was one of them. I'm not going to say I'm a quitter as I am still young and do look forward to a drink sometimes with friends and family but I know that I truly feel better physically and mentally since cutting down. I also made a promise to Rose to get to Kona, spending time on the sofa crying, drinking and feeling sorry for myself is not going to get me to that Hawaiian island. #Hollie4Kona.
   Thankfully, Dan didn't rub it in too much the day after how annoyingly drunk I was when he picked me up at the station at 1am - he just let me have my fun with my friend. It was a real treat and a major turning point to clean up my act.


The amazing food platters Yuliya and I shared

  I left for London for my MRI and X-Ray early on the Wednesday, two days after my referral. By the time I got back I only had few hours before a 7 day stint of night shifts. The consultation afterwards showed that my ITB (Iliotibial Band - a thick band of tissue on the lateral side of the leg that stabilises the knee starting from the glutes) was severely unhappy. In fact the doctor, someone who deals with sports injuries on a daily basis of which ITB is a very common complaint, said he had not seen one so inflamed in a long time. My ITB is only half of the knee issue but one that is causing the most concern and pain when running at the moment. Is this inflammation caused by something wrong within the knee, elsewhere in the body or just biomechanical? I have also sent my scans to an orthopaedic surgeon who may have some more in-depth knowledge into this and although surgery can be done on recurring ITB injuries a long course of strengthening physio and running technique analysis can help the pain. Some part of me wanted something evidently wrong that could be quickly fixed with arthroscopy. It was also evident that the ligament damage on the inside of my knee is recurring but although it doesn't sound like a long-term solution, injecting the affected area annually through a course of prolotherapy does improve the pain (I'm sure I have explained prolotherapy before somewhere so if you are keen to know more about what is does google it). Finally, in regards to the pain I got underneath my patella on every rotation of the bike during Ironman Wales there is nothing screaming out from my MRI to suggest anything is wrong - but again maybe the surgeon may be able to shed some more light on this.
  As I mentioned earlier on in this post I was given a cortisone (steroid) injection for my ITB. This is an anti-inflammatory and will reduce the swelling and fluid in my ITB. In contrast to prolotherapy injections, cortisone is not a long term solution and can actually harm the area if used too much. I was then given prolotherapy and booked in another 2 dates to come in on to complete the course of it. In regards to any further knee pain help it is another case of watch this space.

  Although my hospital visit didn't include too many shocks I was told not run for at least month in order for my knee to fully recover. My face dropped, it must have looked like my doctor was talking another language. I wrote on Twitter shortly after, "Can't run for a month - hot chocolate and snickers for me then?" to which I got some angry responses saying no you don't! Thankfully there was no vending machine or drinks station on the tube so I didn't get my chocolate overload and in hindsight was pleased I didn't prematurely give in. One wrote, "Have protein and veg in readiness to be unleashed again?" and I have taken this on board. It has also sparked a new nutrition plan for 2014 (more later on in the post). If I can't run I will eat less carbohydrates and swim more. I will never understand the human brain as to why when you are told you can't do something that is what you want to do?! There either seems to be more runners about recently who I am finding myself jealous of or I am just noticing them more because I can't do it. Either way I just want to go on a run and enjoy the cold harsh muddy weather with an off road trail run…I suppose I'll have to listen to doctors orders.

  My sister on the other hand has gone from running strength to strength. Since finding out she has a London Marathon place next year through an Epilepsy Charity three weeks ago she is up to 7 miles on an average of 6mph. She is like me and many others who takes comfort and distraction in having a goal and uses the training runs as time to think and have some personal space and peace. She even admitted she can see why exercise is addictive - triathlon next Em? Well done sis, so proud of you!


Me and my boy!
  Although I am not able run and 'zone out' at the moment I have found a way that I can have my own personal time as well as try and combat another fear which will help me for the channel swim next year. It may seem pathetic but as I mentioned before the dark is my biggest fear and one that is worrying for the channel crossing next August. I have begun walking Larry alone in the dark. I can understand how stupid and childish this must sound but the dark has been a fear since I was a child. My imagination takes me elsewhere and in the dark I create some horrendous circumstances which means I always have a beating heart and rushing to get home. Therefore I would always walk in the dark with company and always sleep with a light on (it does make me feel slightly better to know that the horror writer Stephen King also does this). However, now I am starting to enjoy my walks in the dark. It gives me time alone to think about Rose and my own thoughts. Sometimes I just think of nothing at all and just take in my surroundings and feel the cold winter air on my face. It's my own time. I also don't know whether it is me looking into it too much but I don't feel as scared anymore, as if Rose is watching over me and keeping me safe. My mind does start to wonder but I push the thoughts away. If the support I have received from friends and even strangers proves anything it is that there are some lovely people in the world and I need to remember that. Either that or I just don't care what happens to me anymore given what has happened but that's a rather more cynical and worrying way to look at it. My next progression - no nightlight in the bedroom (Dan will be pleased!).
This little bundle of joy is getting me over my fear of the dark on our walks

  On the topic of the kindness of strangers I also have to mention the kindness of a local bike shop in Andover (where I bought my new bike from). Behind the Bikeshed's owner Bernard Baker has sponsored the loan of a bike bag for both my journeys to Lanzarote next year given my fundraising mission - something that could easily cost £200+. He is also offering a sale or return on any kit I need for the dates abroad. I want to again thank you personally Bernard for your generosity and support. Furthermore, for everyone at the shop thank you for all your help.

  In other rather disappointing news we are pulling out of buying my 'perfect' property. The shocking survey along with the shocking amount the vendors offered off the price has made it a difficult road to follow. Furthermore, the poor and disappointing communication from both the estate agents and vendors means we have lost interest. The whole situation has been both upsetting and frustrating and as sad as I am to walk away it has to be done for a whole array of reasons. So it's back to the drawing board where the Rightmove and Zoopla app's are second nature browsing every morning. Please fate, I need you now!

  After a tough few weeks I finally think I have found my determination again. After this night shift stint is over on Wednesday morning I am back on it nutritionally and physically (not that I have been bad nutritionally - I just have a change to a protein loading plan). I cannot wait until we are settled in a house but that'll have to wait until fate decides it. I am wishing and praying for the early part of 2014.

 In regards to 2014 I have high hopes for it. I have decided already that even though I wanted to be settled in a new home which would also aid my training this may not happen until March. So, as the move isn't imminent I am going to buy a small stand alone freezer as our one in our rented flat is integrated into the fridge so is tiny and also broken. I am already beginning my nutritional plan for the New Year which will include a high protein rich diet to aid recovery and energise my training sessions. The freezer is so I can essentially store chicken and other high protein meat so I don't have to spend the extra money on fresh meat all the time. There is a website which many athletes use called Muscle Food where you can buy meat in bulk for a fraction of the cost of supermarkets prices. I am excited to optimise my training with nutrition. I am really interested in nutrition so this is something I have always been keen on doing and hopefully I will also see the improvements in my physical appearance whilst doing this. I don't want to wish my life away but I am looking forward to 2014. In one respect I want to finish what has ended up being a bad year but with all I have planned, possibly even Kona if I qualify in May, it holds a lot to look forward to. Think I'm starting to get my mojo back.


I couldn't help myself - had to include this




Wednesday 30 October 2013

Emotional roller coaster

  This latest blog will fill in all the thoughts and emotions I have felt in the last week, and although I hate this saying, "It has been an emotional rollercoaster".

  At the start of the week I was positive thinking about my marathon time ambitions and getting excited seeing my progress and times improve. I even started to think of other sporting events I would one day like to complete as with the popularity of Ironman I don't know whether it will always be as big a challenge. As an increasing number of people start believing an Ironman is possible it doesn't make the event as exclusive anymore. Maybe someday not too far away being an Ironman won't be as mammoth. This is not me being jealous of others becoming one as I think it is an amazing thing for the sport and for peoples ambitions. However, in order to keep bragging rights I feel I may need to step the intensity up - I seem to have a constant need to make things harder and to better myself. With this in mind the events I would like to complete are; The Norseman Ironman distance triathlon (officially the hardest Ironman distance event due to its location in Norway and extreme weather conditions), a double Ironman, a solo channel swim crossing (non-wetsuit), Marathon des Sables (running across the Sahara for 7 days) and probably the one that will be my last endurance event, The Arch to Arc (an extreme endurance triathlon over two countries - Britain and France . Running for 87miles to Dover followed by a channel swim then topped off with an 181mile bike to Paris).
  I am aware that completing an Ironman was a lifetime goal which I honestly did not expect to achieve until I was much older but the events I have just listed truly are lifetime goals due to the sheer difficulty and length of them. I would need to build my endurance capabilities over time and naturally endurance qualities build with age.
  With all these grand and difficult endurance events I asked myself the question, "Would my Ironman tattoo seem insignificant?". My answer is no. My Ironman marks a landmark and made me an endurance athlete. It will be the one endurance event I shall compete in more than any. Crossing the line in Wales proved that anything is possible and my journey and love of endurance events started from that point.

  On Wednesday I went for another 40mile bike ride with Jane. I thoroughly enjoyed this ride even if my legs were still aching from the Duathlon on the Sunday. My thighs were on fire when I tackled even the slightest incline, of which there is a lot in the Chilterns! The time went really quick and again we chatted about everything and anything including getting royally pissed off at the drivers who would beep and swear at us for cycling side-by-side. I know that any non-cyclist or triathlete out there may think we are ignorant for doing this but, we only do it when there is ample room to overtake i.e. a car can pass us with free room on the other side of the road. On top of that, as it is said when learning to drive you should give a single cyclist as much room as a car when overtaking so therefore having two cyclists riding side-by-side makes no difference to how they SHOULD be driving and overtaking. In fact it lessens the chance of an accident as the risky drivers aren't then tempted to do an overtake so close to the cyclist it could danger them. As Jane tells her children, "If they can beep they can see you".

  On a completely separate note I was told the other day that David Beckham is joining Gordon Ramsey at the Ironman World Championships in Kona in 2014. Although I completely disagree that as they are celebrities they can get a 'free card' to Kona as opposed to qualifying like the rest of us, it would be quite nice to see Beckham in lycra. My only chance to get to see that sight would be to qualify in Lanzarote so there's another bit of motivation.

  However, although I had an extra shot of motivation it didn't seem to last. This blog was always going to highlight the highs and lows when training for Ironman and I have most definitely been encountered the low. On Thursday I travelled to give my sister a hand to squeeze when she got a tattoo of Rosie's name on her thigh.


Emma's new tattoo

It was when as I was leaving my sister that the strong mental attitude I had been hanging onto plummeted. Emma began getting emotional saying goodbye and yet again I tried to not crumble, which I didn't. I didn't however want to leave. I wanted to hug my beautiful sister forever, comfort her, take her pain away and be taken away from the horrible situation we are in. After Emma persuaded me to go and drive safely I left and went to see my mum at work before heading home. Mum was just heading out as I got there but again after talking and hugging I didn't want to leave. I have never been one to get homesick but saying goodbye to my family at a time like this made me upset that I didn't live closer. I think I cried the whole way home listening to Lana Del Ray 'Young and Beautiful' on repeat.
  That night I didn't go swimming with the Tri Club as I honestly needed a break. I had some red wine which helped me chill out. When word got to mum that I hadn't gone training she was worried as missing training session (especially swimming) was a sure sign something was wrong. I assured her I just needed a little break as I had been feeling a chesty cough coming on and felt physically and mentally exhausted. I hadn't given myself much time to grieve or really take in what has happened and I just did what I always do to try and forget and focus - swim, cycle and run. I thought throwing myself back into what I love would be beneficial, but even the strongest of us need to take a step back. I had been trying to stay strong for everyone for so long that now it just hit me like a brick. I have always bottled my emotions and hate people seeing me cry so this weakness on my behalf was not welcome. I know I have a close family who are there to support me but we are all struggling and each one of us doesn't want to bring another down.

  On the Friday after my missed swim session it was back to work and I had a full blown cold, cough and sore throat. As well as that I was as emotionally low as I have ever felt. I hardly spoke all day and was asked countless times if I was OK. I'm normally the bubbly and loud one at work and with me being so quiet it was obvious something was up. Although I was feeling ill and by many others standards it would have meant a sick day, my emotional state was what was really the issue. I was wiping away tears at my desk and on many occasions went to the toilet to cry. One of my friends, Lisa, who works in Sky Sports did pop over in the afternoon and see me which was lovely of her and although I haven't been able to open up to anyone, to my surprise she definitely helped me get some stuff out. I was so relieved when my 12 hour shift was over and I could go home.
  Although my mood picked up a little on the Saturday at work, even now I am still not feeling myself. I did a leg training session on Sunday as I got a little bit of motivation after reading an article about the guy who started my Twittergate in TriathlonPlus magazine. This outlined how he came from a chain smoker and junk food lover into an Ironman in 6months. However, I still had a drink that night (as I don't drink a lot anymore this was out of character to be drinking every night) and due to a lack of protein, I am walking like John Wayne, side-walking downstairs and struggling to sit down to this day after my leg workout. On Monday night, you guessed it, I had another drink and had to tell Dan I was unable to watch '999 What's Your Emergency' as I kept thinking about Rose. The question that keeps playing in my mind is "How can someone so young, lively and healthy just not wake up?". I still cannot get over I will never see her again, she will never see my house or my children. I have even started to get the guilty feeling that comes with grieving; "Could I have done anything?". I know I was awake that night - why didn't I go and check? I have been telling my sister not to feel guilt ever since it happened so I know in my head I shouldn't be questioning these things - but I can't help it. There are many more questions I have been asking myself but fear I am turning this into a counselling diary so shall stop. 
  The point I want to make from this is related to training. Maybe I need to go against my own theory of self-assessed training. I know I am trying to get to Kona for Rose but right now I cannot get my head in the right place. Maybe a professionally made structured training plan will have to be a consideration for me even if I have never been keen on being tied and un-flexible. Again, it is early doors and this is JUST a consideration. And although it all seems lost it is coming through the low motivational times that makes an endurance athlete. Every long distance triathlete struggles with motivation sometimes, it is getting through it that makes you stronger. I know I won't give up on my goal I just need to push through.

  As if I didn't feel low enough the survey from our perfect house came back with a whole array of problems yesterday so unless the price is lowered then we need to start looking again. The house was my light at the end of the tunnel and I was holding all my excitement for our move in date. I tried not to think about the negatives of this too much and on the Tuesday night (yesterday) I went to a Channel Swim meeting. I am planning to do this next August as a relay team and this meet up was to get some more information about costs and protocol. For people who haven't read all of my blog my team wants to do this non-wetsuit which makes it a registered channel swim. With that means more acclimatisation training, more rules and stronger teamwork. We all need to have a medical and be assessed completing a 2hour swim below 17 degrees in skins (i.e. no wetsuit). We would also be assessed during the actual event to make sure we don't break the rules. The swim relay changeover has to be completed in 5 minutes and there is a certain way to do this. Both swimmers are not allowed to touch the boat or each other during the switchover otherwise it is an instant failed channel crossing. This means there is more pressure on understanding the rules and our teamwork. As I mentioned earlier another lifetime challenge is to complete a solo channel crossing and this is just another step towards that goal. It will give me an understanding of what it entails and what better time than with people I trust and get along well with who are all motivated and determined to succeed. I cannot lie however and say that this is going to be easy. I have no issue with the distance, I know I can complete 4hours of swimming especially when you consider the distance I complete during an Ironman. My fears lie much deeper than that - literally. I do not like sea creatures and hate to think what is lurking beneath me. I have a particular phobia of whales and jellyfish. I will be swimming alone for an hour at a time, left to my own thoughts and imagination. Although this is quite therapeutic at times it will not be if I am thinking of what lies in the dark waters beneath me. I also hate being cold, the circulation in my hands and feet is poor and I have never been open water swimming without a wetsuit as I am too much of a woos. There is more, I have been petrified of the dark from a child and shamefully still sleep with a night light (much to Dan's annoyance). Swimming alone in the dark (overnight), in the sea when cold is scarier to me than ANY Ironman (maybe even Lanzarote). What did I say my new favourite quote was? 'If your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough' - shit.

Monday 21 October 2013

It doesn't get any easier

  The title of this blog post does have a double meaning. Firstly, it refers to the loss of Rosie. There is not a day or even a second that goes by that I don't miss her. I am constantly reminding myself what has happened and always thinking about her. Sometimes I will just hear what I am saying to myself and don't acknowledge it. Other times, I'll realise it is the truth and will break down. A lot of the time a song or memory will remind me of Rose and I have a mini meltdown that way. Everytime it is unexpected. I have constantly asked myself, "Does it get easier?" and everytime I reply to my question with how can it? I have lost one of the closest people to me, how can I ever forget that? Rose should be part of my life now and in the future. Most importantly she should be the bridesmaid at my wedding and godmother to my children. Even when I think of getting married, said to be the best day of a couples life, I am tainted by the thought that Rosie won't be there showing me up as she would do in a bridesmaid dress. Life just seems so unfair and cruel. This type of thing doesn't happen to my family - you hear about it but you never expect it. If anything has come out of it has taught me to live life as if it's your last, as you never know. I did take comfort last weekend however, when I stayed at my parents for my mums 60th birthday. The whole family got together to celebrate by going bowling and also revealed the lifesize pink cow we had bought her (which mum named Rosie). Although it was evident to everyone throughout the day that we were missing a family member it was a lovely weekend together and showed the unconditional love we all share for eachother which will never fade. Another humbling experience from that weekend was when we put the cow in the garden the weather cleared and the sun shone down on us - the thought that Rosie was with us watching over was a truly beautiful thing. 

Rosie the cow - and Rose shining down on us

  The second meaning of 'It doesn't get any easier' refers to the Lungbuster duathlon that I competed in yesterday (Sunday 20th October).
I don't normally opt for duathlons but as triathlons have stopped for the season I decided it would be a good one to keep me motivated as well as to keep me used to the cycle-run changeover. This was my first event since the Ironman and although it took me 12 hours less than Wales it proved that no matter how many events you do or how long the events are, they never get any easier. This was an out of season road event (many multisport events turn to off-road around this time of year) therefore the event had a relatively small turn out who I immediately assessed would be good at their chosen sport. There was a certain type of person there - not very chatty or smiley, tall and lanky men (suggesting they were runners) and very few women (only about 5 of us). I don't mean to stereotype but I have been to enough events to get the feel of how one is going to go, and I hate to blow my own trumpet but I wasn't wrong. Normally at the start of an event I would talk to my fellow competitors just to be friendly but it was evident that no-one wanted to chat. It was at this point I told myself, 'Do not get carried away with the pace'. I knew I had nothing to prove to anyone and I was wearing my Ironman finisher top with pride. Although the first 8 kilometres is not a long way in comparison to what I have completed, the pace would be a lot faster and even after 1k a pace which is too fast will take its toll. I had a theory that some other competitors would make this mistake - and again I was not wrong. Even after 800m (2 laps of the sport track) I was overtaking people who had set off too fast. I continued to tick people off throughout the whole 8k. This does not mean to say I found it easy - I was pushing the pace as I knew this was a sprint event and not an endurance one. I finished the first run in 36m17secs which is a PB for me by a long way. Although I had managed to overtake a few competitors who burned out during the first run I was still in the bottom half of the field (some were ridiculously fast which merely confirmed my suspicions about the talent I was up against).
  However, I did know that I could make up time on the bike as that was my stronger discipline. I can't remember how many people I picked off whilst cycling but I made up a fair bit of time. If I saw a distant bright colour from a high vis top they were my motivation - I was using people as my targets. The weather was also foul during the event, on the way to there I was faced with thunder and lightening and this made the not so experienced tread cautiously, not that I wasn't doing that as well (had to add that as we don't want mum to worry!). The bike was probably my favourite word; undulating - infact I would probably say it was a steady incline the whole way which also included a rather horrible and long 14% gradient hill. It also only had two real downhill sections, but this tough course played to my strengths. I managed to keep catching people until T2 where I knew I had to keep a good pace for the last 5k to keep the people I had overtaken at bay. I completed the 30k bike in
My time splits
1h02m. As soon as I began to run again the recurring pain along my left ITB was there. From that point I knew realistically I wouldn't be able to produce the run I had done the first time round but vowed not to stop. I kept a good look at my Garmin to check I wasn't dropping too much. I struggled with my injury during the final 5k and I couldn't wait to cross the line. I managed to finish the 5k in 26m27secs which I wasn't disappointed about given the circumstances (in fact I would've been pleased with that without an injury). This brought my overall finishing time to 2h 06m 39secs. This isn't amazingly fast in comparison to some but I have never been a sprinter and find more pleasure in endurance events. But I pushed myself all the same and felt rewarded for doing so. I drove home, had a bacon sandwich (bliss) and then watched the rain pour so much so that the area flooded. A good Sunday.

  During this event as I mentioned I relied heavily on my Garmin. I have to say this most definitely the best tool I have for training. Obviously the bike upgrade has been invaluable and has probably had more of an impact than I will know but in regards to all disciplines the Garmin is my best bit of kit I have. It is crucial when running to get my pace right and as I want to shorten my marathon time by 50 minutes I would find this an impossible task to do without it. I hate to think of myself as reliant on technology when it comes to training but in order to better myself I, as I think many others will agree, find it necessary. Whilst running I make sure I don't drop my pace below 6minutes per kilometre and if I have a good 1k time split (sometimes I was hitting 4.45) I would get a huge boost of positive energy. However, rather than push more I would reward myself by allowing myself to slow the pace if need be. The system works the other way too. If I have had a bad time split I'll speed up until I'm back on track again. This method so far seems to be working great and if I keep the pacing I did on Sunday (even on the second run) I am more than capable of a 3h45 marathon which I need to prove I can do in order to better my Wales time. However, this is based on my duathlon pace and in comparison to a marathon it is a minor distance even if I did feel strong. Endurance racing is completely different to sprint distances. 
  Another tactic to achieve a 3h45 marathon time is to break it down. I've heard many people say that a marathon is a race in two halves. I can be living proof that this is the case as during the London marathon I hit my half marathon PB which should mean you just do that pace again but it's not as easy as that. I ended up adding a further 30 minutes on the 'second' half of the race without even realising. My stamina is a lot better since I did London but it just goes to show what can happen. With this in mind I am going to break my marathon's into four - split into 10k. This worked well for Wales and was a good strategy. I have got two marathons booked so far for next year; the first is a tough one in Devon on the 8th February and then to hopefully improve on that I have another on the 5th May in Milton Keynes. The latter will also be a great assessment before going to Lanzarote.

  One another note, although the duathlon event was successful for my pacing and shows a future strategy for good it also highlights something that needs urgent attention - my knee injury. I have taken the next steps to get this checked out again by a sports injury specialist so I'll be updating that when I know more myself, although I am pretty certain an MRI scan is on the cards. I'm just praying it's nothing too serious. I have a half marathon in 2 weeks on the 3rd November and shall do the only thing I can do for that, strap it up using my Kinesio tape.

  On a final note I just had to share this picture of me with the Brownlee brothers. They were guests at work on Sky News this morning and although I felt embarrased getting a picture I knew I had to do it. I even got a little nervous and starstruck! Unfortunately we didn't have much time to talk before they were whisked away but they were impressed with my Ironman accomplishment their reaction being, "Wow! I heard the weather was pretty bad too". I'll take that praise from the GB triathlon stars! I wished them good luck on everything they do as they walked out. Sometimes Monday mornings at work aren't so awful.  


A good Monday morning